On The Calendar: Sex

Lots of things change after you have kids. Literally your entire life is turned upside down. Sex included.

I "take over" the stories for a local baby store, Ready, Set, Baby, twice a month. In my takeovers I aim to chat about something relevant, helpful, and most of all real. I know that connection and vulnerability and transparency have been essential to me surviving my motherhood journey so far. As a result, I aim to provide that to other mamas.

Staying true to my promise to always keep it "real", I took a risk a few weeks ago, and opened up about sex. Sex after having a baby. Sex with kids. How sex changes. How often mamas are having sex. We really went for it! I was blown away by the engagement on the topic. We were clearly all just waiting to have the opportunity to talk about sex!

So here's how it went.

Sex With Kids Is...

I opened it up right away for feedback. Fill in the blank: Sex after baby/with kids is___. Here's some of the responses received:

• different

• painful

• rare

• not as enjoyable and non existent

• cautious

• awful and scary

• tricky

• a chore

• getting used to your new body

• hard (no pun intended lol)

• not a regular occurrence

• challenging

• uncomfortable

• different, impossible, overwhelming, all the emotions

• hard to find time for

• mentally exhausting

• important

• not as spontaneous

• makes me feel awkward

• stressful

• unknown

Credit: http://clipart-library.com/clipart/1276125.htm

Yikes! My response: non-existent. Yep. I said it. I am self-conscious of my new body. I'm tired. My hormones are still a little whacky. I'm scared to get pregnant before we're ready again. I get overwhelmed easily. I get frustrated with hubs because I carry the mental load. I even get grumpy if hubs isn't playing with Bubs the "right" way... What?? All these things lead to a "Hell no" when he suggests we get it on. Sir, I just want to turn my brain off, eat snacks, and fall asleep scrolling Instagram. This is probably why, at this time, I could count on probably one hand how many times we'd had sex since Bubs was born... 15 months ago. Double yikes.

Barriers to Sex

I've always been told I'd be so great as a school teacher. This takeover was a prime example. After we discovered how we felt about sex, we shared our "barriers" to having sex with kids or after a baby. Many of the responses were the exact same ones I identified above. Touched out, exhausted, no privacy... So many mamas experiencing the same things!

Overcoming Barriers to Sex

After identifying our barriers, we brainstormed and shared ideas on how we overcome these barriers. See the school teacher coming out now? haha

I was shocked at how many respondents said that they actually schedule it in. It's literally on the calendar. They admitted it was the most un-sexy thing ever, but it works! It allows mama to mentally prepare for it - get your head in the game so to speak. It ensures both partners set aside the time for each other and feel like they are making the relationship a priority.

So guess what hubs and I did? You betcha. We sat down and put a couple days in our shared calendar ( we use the Timetree App and love it). I'm happy to report it's working, haha.

We all know it to be true; once you do it, you don't regret it. And you feel closer, more connected, less grumpy over the little things.... more in love, awhhhh. Haha! We even did it once before our "scheduled" time. I'm not going to say that I'm "fixed", but I feel really good about the direction that we're heading.

We have to talk about these kinds of things, otherwise we suffer in silence. There's no shame, ever!

xo.Meg