WTH is an Emotional Registry?

New mom? Mom-to-be? Seasoned mom? This ones for us all!

So you've taken the test... you're going to be a mama! Congratulations! If you're anything like me, one of the first things you'll do - once you tell your partner, friends and family, book your first doctor appointment, etc. - is begin making a list of all the things you need to do and buy. This is when most parents-to-be will explore making a gift registry. It will include all the things you think (or that the internet has told you) will be necessary to providing the best for your new babe.

Do you want to know what's more important than the wipe warmer and baby nest you have included on that "things" registry?? An "emotional registry"; A full gamut of tools and truths that will prove to be, dare I say, more necessary to providing the best for your babe, but also yourself and your relationship with your partner.

What is an Emotional Registry?

Think of a gift registry. You include all the things that you believe to be important to care for your new baby. A wish list of items to provide hygiene, nutrition, safety, entertainment, etc. for your new baby. Sometimes, and only sometimes, we as moms will include an item or two for ourselves (but let's be honest, nipple cream and breast pads aren't quite filling our cups... amiright?!).

An emotional registry can be thought of a list of truths, mental notes and tools, lessons, etc. to help to get you through the insane emotional rollercoaster that being a parent inevitably will be. Just like a gift registry, the emotional registry is filled with resources that will help you in caring for, nurturing, and supporting your child. Yes, the tools in an emotional registry will also keep your child fed and bathed, just in a roundabout kind of way... Have I lost you yet??

What is Included in an Emotional Registry?

An emotional registry is going to be tailored to you as an individual. Some great starting points include:

• Truths about parenthood

• Struggles and challenges faced in parenthood

• Emotional supports, mantras, etc.

The key thing though, is not what is included in this registry, but how you use it and apply it. The emotional registry is only helpful if you use the tools it includes. Print it out, write those mantras daily, put them on sticky notes around the house... This list is invaluable in keeping you sane, ensuring you're the emotionally regulated rock that your child needs, and actually enjoy the journey that parenthood is.

How Do I Build an Emotional Registry?

There are so many great places to pull from to build your emotional registry. Podcasts (I personally love "Good Inside" with Dr. Becky, and "We Can Do Hard Things" with Glennon Doyle), Books, the internet (hello!), and most importantly, other parents. I cannot say it enough, a group of moms or other parents you can talk to, be vulnerable with, ask questions to, etc. is so, so, so important!

What's on my Emotional Registry?

An emotional registry is something I wish I would have learned about before having my first baby. Fortunately for you, I have been able to compile a list of things from all of the sources listed above, but also from my own experience. Here's a glimpse at what you could include in your emotional registry.

• This feels hard because it is hard.

• It's okay if I'm not enjoying this stage.

• There's so much to think about! The mental load a mom carries is not something youc an explain: your physical changes, the crying, sleep schedules, eating schedules, how much are they eating, are they eating the right foods, how much are they sleeping, are they developing physically/mentally/emotionally/socially as expected, should I be incorporating more developmental activities into our day, what is the next stage, swapping clothes,

• Time moves quickly. Embrace the good times, and know the hard times won't last.

• If I am not connecting with my child now, it is not indicative of my connection with my child in the future.

• How I feel now is not indicative of how I will always feel, how good of a parent I am, etc.

• You gain so much when you have a baby, but you also lose (or fight to keep) a whole lot too.

• "I didn't expect to feel like I was standing outside myself as much as I did."

• What do I know about myself and my own needs? My relationship's needs? What are non-negotiables in order to maintain these needs?

• The idea that "I'm not a good mom if..." I'm not always busy/I'm not doing the laundry everyday/I enjoy my me-time/I look relaxed/I leave my baby with a sitter/etc. is BULLSHIT.

• There is a dangerous glamorization of "my baby means everything to me" - you are also YOU, and YOU have needs too.

• It is not good for you or your kid to have you run so thin. You need to take care of yourself to take care of your children.

• You can still get back to "you", it might just be a different version of you. Want to wear your heels again, but your feet just hurt so bad? Go buy yourself a new pair of badass shoes that make you feel confident and proud! You have changed so much, so your style can too!

• Great moms don't do it all, otherwise they'd run themselves into the ground.

• New = uncomfortable. And that's okay.

• Babies are not fun. They are a ball of dependency. This might be fun for people who long for someone to depend on them. But for me, I am fiercely independent, so this is hard.

• Parenthood is full of amazing moments, yes, AND.... remember the "and". Parenthood can be absolutely amazing and wonderful and sunshine and rainbows, AND be the hardest, most draining, patience-testing thing you will ever do.

• When you tell yourself that the mom at play group thinks you're not a good mom because your child is eating a pre-packaged granola bar instead of a fresh baked muffin, know that you're just making that up. Unless you have clear evidence showing you something is true, It.Is.Not! Period. Done. But, if you insist on making up stories in your head, at least tell yourself that the new mom at the playground thinks you're an inspiration and she looks up to you so much! See, it works both ways!

• Your child comes into this world able to feel so many emotions, and have these really big feelings. They don't come into this world with the ability to emotionally regulate. They look to you to model that. When your child is crying, having a tantrum, etc. remember that the goal is not to have them settle down, but it is to provide them our calm to demonstrate how to regulate our emotions. If we meet their big emotions with our big emotions, we will only get a bigger reaction.

Okay, phew! I'd love to know what you'd consider imperative to your "emotional registry" in the comments.

xo.Meg